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March 24, 2005: Today was a new day of sorts. I had to take the death certificates to the lawyer, have the will executed, and get instruction on what needs to be done next, etc. That went well and we discussed a lot of things, and I was quite settled when we left. That was at 2:00, and we spent an hour there.

Then our youngest had his (previously scheduled) counseling appointment, so I took him up there. That was good for me as well, because I got a few things off my chest with the counselor, our son had his full appointment, and it was going quite smoothly.

I haven't really touched any of Diane's stuff yet, but I keep looking at her dressers and cabinets and thinking I should start sometime. It just doesn't seem right yet.

I picked up the phone to make a call, and there was a message waiting. It was from Diane's ex-husband, pretty much demanding to know what was going on and when he was getting the kids. I tried to call back, but he doesn't even have an actual phone (just a Pay As You Go cell) and couldn't get through. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow, I just can't tonight.

I'm starting to realize that I have to get on with things somehow, but I really don't want to. It's amazing all the things that have to be done, and today I started thinking about getting the Thank You cards out. Diane I'm sure would like me to do them up personally on the computer, she didn't like store-bought cards, but I think I will have to go the bought route.

I'll think about it tonight.

So far now, two people have come to me, inspired by Diane's poem to basically 'go for it', saying they're really thinking of starting their own businesses. Diane would be so floored, and truly honoured, to think that her words could influence people so.

I am so proud to be able to say Diane was my wife and that she loved me.

Today I 'found' the letter she wrote to me on our 10th anniversary last September, and the love and devotion she had to me was apparent. This helps a lot. I also found another poem on her computer, about love, and it seemed like it was written to me. I believe it was. She put these things where she knew I'd find them, and mom said today that was the type of person she was, that I'd probably be finding little notes and things for months to come. I have to think that yes, that's exactly the type of person she was.

I love you Diane.

March 25, 2005: I was on the phone to Pierre today, and another call came in. I didn't answer it, just let it go to voicemail. When I got the message, it was another one from Doug, seeming a bit nastier than yesterday's, wanting to know about the kids. I phoned him back and this time got through. He told me he wanted the kids up there, and all I really said to him was, 'Man, it's not even been a week since their mom died' and basically to back off. I was polite, but I sure didn't feel like being polite.

The kids wanted to rent a movie tonight, so I rented The Incredibles. Not a bad movie, for an animated, and excellent graphics. Diane would have loved it I think.

Before we watched the movie I went to our 'spot' out in the back, and lit the two yard torches we have out there for light. This was Diane and my 'special place' being surrounded by trees and shrubbery. When you're out there, in the spring, summer and fall, you feel isolated, because you can see almost no signs of civilization. I sat down in my chair, looked across at her chair, and started talking to her.

It was starting to cloud over tonight. There was a sudden gust, and one of the torches blew out. That set me off. I was crying, yelling about the unfairness of it all, and calling Diane to come back to me. After a while, maybe a half hour, I settled down, blew out the remaining candle, and went inside to watch the movie with the kids.

When the movie was over, it was midnight and I let the dogs out. It was starting to rain, and the rain was getting worse and worse. It seems almost poetic to me. When I left the hospital last Saturday, I stood in the pouring rain. When I walked on Sunday, I walked in the rain. The day of the viewing, the sun was out and it was beautiful. The day of the funeral, the weather was wonderful again. Exactly a week to the hour that Diane died, the weather was once again foul.

With no form of logic for this at all, I like to think that Diane made the sun shine for her funeral and viewing, and the day of her death and exactly a week later she made it rain for me, mixing my tears with the raindrops, which was her way of crying with me.

You will be missed and always loved Diane.

March 26, 2005: Well, it seems I had one day of peace today. I hardly did anything. I looked around at our room, and thought about the things I have to do. I still don't want to.

Our youngest has been surprising me with all sorts of comments, like telling me that I shouldn't do things like go through her stuff until I'm ready. He told me not to worry about it, it will still be there tomorrow, and that it's going to be ok. Pretty astute for an 11 year old. And I'm the one that's supposed to comfort him. All the kids have been fantastic, although today there was a bit of infighting. I think the realization is finally hitting there, and they're sticking together like glue.

No phone calls today, so that was good. Although a friend did call and invited me to his championship hockey game. I went out there, saw the last few minutes of the game, but then he had to go to a wedding reception. That's kind of ironic, he's off to a reception after inviting me out, so then I'm alone again.

It's been a hard day of sorts. Everywhere I look I see Diane, and I'm just going over and over the same things again. I'm so alone, so I talk to her. I don't know whether she can hear me or not, but that doesn't really matter. I like to think she can. Today marks a week that she's been gone, and tomorrow is Easter.

I need people to talk to, but I don't want a conversation. I just want someone to listen to me talk, about Diane, our love and our time together. No one seems to understand that that's all I want.

Tonight I watched the last hour or so of Jesus Christ Superstar on TV. We saw the play in Vancouver in '95 or so. It was really good. The movie just isn't the same after seeing it live. It's also not the same watching it alone.