Page 10

April 3, 2005: Sunday. Another day gone by. We sat down at dinner tonight, and that hurt. See, for the last many months Diane was in bed a lot and couldn't get up for dinner. So, I'd put together a small plate and take it in to her. The kids got so when they set the table they automatically took out one of the small plates and a fork and put them on the table as well, near my plate. Tonight, there was an empty plate by the time I got to the table, and it had been placed right where Diane's would have been, complete with a fork on it. I could have dropped right there.

Turned on the TV tonight and watched part of 'From the Earth to the Moon'. Good show, and I was doing anything to avoid watching 'her' shows after I got back from the 'store' (my excuse for going for a drive).

Big sigh………

I just want to go to bed and not get up. Just curl up with her pillows (they still smell like her) and not move for a week.

I love my wife.

Yeah, I know, I keep repeating that, like if I do she'll come back or something. On my drive tonight I stopped at that park again. I looked up and saw a star filled sky. I asked anyone listening why this would happen, what was the reason? I got no answer.

Of course, if I had have gotten an answer, I may have run screaming into the river. :)

April 4, 2005: Mom's birthday, 4 months to the day to my birthday, and 2 weeks +2 days from Diane's death.

I phoned the funeral home today. The bill is due, and I don't have any money for them yet. They were quite understanding and were just happy that I had phoned to let them know. I have to wait for the death benefit from work to pay them, and I will do that. Note to everyone: If you can't pay right away, phone them and let them know. They really do appreciate it as it is really hard on their staff to have to phone a grieving family to remind them once again that death is not free.

I had to start dealing with the other bills today, our new MasterCard that we hadn't even used, the phone bill, etc. etc. I'm trying to get back to 'normal', but it's not really happening and even with work I'm putting in a half-hearted effort. This is not like me, I'm usually a very conscientious and ethical worker. I must snap out of this.

April 5, 2005: I was writing some emails today, and working on a couple of computers, and the doorbell rang. It was Ian from the funeral home. He had Diane's ashes with him.

For some reason I was not expecting this, nor was I expecting the reaction I'd have to holding the container in my hands. I burst into tears right in front of everyone, just briefly, but it hurt. The dog won't go near the container, she knew right away what was in there and I hadn't even said anything. I called her over and she was very reluctant. She sniffed the container once, snorted and almost flung herself into 'her' corner and laid down. She was crying. She knew what was in the container. I don't know whether it was instinct, smell, or what, but she knew.

This threw the rest of my day into disarray. Diane is back in our room now though, at least her ashes are. Whether this is a comfort or not I'm not sure, I haven't decided yet.

I watched some TV tonight, after stopping work earlier than usual (9:00) as I just couldn't do it. The finale of 'From the Earth to the Moon' was on, so I watched that, then a couple of other shows.

It's still hard to believe that the woman I love has been reduced in body to basically slightly less than a gallon sized coffee can, and weighs probably 5 lbs. I held the urn for a while, and then put it back in its place on the shelf by the bed. I think she'd like the idea of her ashes being there.

I truly love her.

April 6, 2005: Well, I got Diane's wedding rings fixed today. When she died, she was wearing her wedding set and another diamond cluster ring that we had gotten, and a third tanzanite ring that we picked up on our last 'mini-vacation'.

At the hospital, I took the wedding set off of her finger and put it on my pinky, beside my wedding ring. Over the next day or so, I noticed that the large centre diamond was loose and on the edge of falling out, so I put them in an envelope and sealed it so I wouldn't lose the stone. Anyway, long story short, I got it fixed. I told the jeweler what it was and the situation, so he had it fixed within 2 hours, and for a decent price. It's back on my finger where it belongs.

Also, on that last trip we got her a necklace and a diamond and white gold pendant. It was unisex, the purpose being that she knew she would die soon and wanted something that I could wear as well. While I was getting the rings fixed, I also picked up a chain for that, as before I was wearing it with my St. Christopher medallion and my cross and it kept getting tangled.

Apart from that, it's been another day gone by without Diane. Big sigh….

Work has been nuts here, and I'm trying to do as much as I can. I seem to get distracted/flustered pretty easily though. I'm not as sharp as I should be. Everyone is telling me that's because I've been through a lot the last couple of weeks, which I suppose is true. I thought getting back to work I'd bury myself in the job and wouldn't have time to think, but that hasn't happened.

April 7, 2005: Well, yet another day. I'm so burnt out it's not funny. I've fixed I don't know how many systems, and they keep coming. This is good in a way, in that it means money coming in and stuff, but it also doesn't leave me time to do much else.

I took this evening off and called up Diane's sister (I said I would the last time I saw her). I asked her 'out' and we went for a dinner and then drove around a bit and talked. (I'll call her "L" because I haven't asked her if I can use her name.) That was really nice and has I think been the first time I've relaxed since Diane's death. We talked a lot, as she had been through a similar experience as this about 25 years ago, and it helped. I was really scared to see L at first as I thought I'd be looking at Diane and not her, but it didn't happen that way. My fears were unfounded mostly. While I looked at her and could see the resemblance to Diane, this was clearly not Diane, and I had not even the slightest confusion or disturbing emotions.

We talked and laughed a bit about some of the things Die had done, about where our lives were going, and all sorts of other things. On the way home I 'talked' to Diane again, and started to get upset, but the time I spent with L tonight I was able to superimpose that and console myself (and Diane) that she would have been glad to see that I hadn't just abandoned her family and that I was keeping in touch. I told L we'd have to do this again. Friends are one thing, but having family around, not to mention one that's been through this and is the same age group as you, makes all the difference.

Goodnight Diane, I love you. :)

April 8, 2005: Well, had the worst possible sleep last night. I was tossing and turning, and got to sleep around 5:30 or so, then had the weirdest 'dream' that was so real. I 'dreamed' Diane was here and when I asked her why, she said she was alive. I was overjoyed and started to go on to her about how the docs were wrong. This was a long 'dream', but I'm not fully convinced it was all a dream. There was just too much reality to it, and I was able to control my conversation and myself to an extent that a dream wouldn't allow you to. The end result, I told Diane that 'see, the docs were wrong', and went to tell the rest of the family. When I turned back to wave to her though, she was gone and I was awake.

The thought came to me that no, the docs were right, and she had died, but she was telling me that she was 'alive' even if her body was dead. Dream or not, I'm taking that kind of to heart because it makes me feel a lot better. Right after that I was able to sleep very soundly until I had to get up at 7:30.

I worked today, and I came in the house thinking about a possible contract I just got. I went and jumped up the stairs with the words on the tip of my tongue to tell Die all about it, as I always did. I stopped dead in about a half second, and a wave of sadness swept over me. I went outside to where we used to sit together and just cried until someone came home.

Later that evening the kids took the dog for a walk and I was all alone in the house. What an odd, eerie feeling. I have not been alone in this house for close to 3 years now, and rarely have I been alone at home since 1993. The silence was deafening, and I was once again stunned into a near catatonic state for a few minutes. I went into our room, and hooked up the video camera and started watching some tapes, intending to take notes for the DVD I want to make of Diane. I ended up just watching them though, and I found myself smiling when she smiled on the tape, and just watching her face, eyes, legs, and basically every part of her body as I went through it all. And this was only one tape. I have about 10 to go through. (And if you think 10 tapes isn't much for 10 years, I assure you that you can pack quite a bit of your life onto those little cartridges.)

People started coming home and came in to see what I was doing. My 'magic moment' with Diane was over, but at least I had one. That's one evening I won't ever forget. But it wasn't over. When the kids came in to watch it with me it turned into an evening of the four of us laughing about this and that on the tape, and it was a really enjoyable, positive time.

So that's two 'good' days in a row. I suppose things will get better, but I will never forget the woman I loved, nor how much I love her.

Love ya, Die! And as you said you wanted in your poem: 'See you later!'