Page 11

April 9, 2005: Saturday. I woke up this morning to the realization that it had been 3 weeks and 4 hours since Diane died. What a horrible thing to have as your first thought in the morning. And it was my first thought. The alarm clock went off and I looked at it and thought '3 weeks and 5 hours'. Then my second thought was, 'no, 4 hours because of Daylight Savings time'. I figured this was going to be a bad day from the start, and I wasn't disappointed in that regard.

Everywhere I looked today I was thinking of Die. It wasn't that I was thinking 'about' her, it was 'oh, I gotta tell Die this…' and then realization would hit. Actually, not realization either. I've been going around all day thinking she's not dead, and I go to look for her and I think 'oh, she must have gone out'. I know she hasn't, but that sticks in my head. Then I'm upset and disappointed when I look in our room and see that she's not there.

I noticed today that her pillows (which she used to prop up behind her back) have still held the shape of her body from the last time she was there, Thursday morning, March 17, 2005, when she told me she was sore and wanted to go over to the hospital. I looked at them several times today, and I can see her outline sitting there. Then I can almost see her sitting there, especially when the room's been dark.

I've been working all day today, it seems like I'll never get caught up. It doesn't help when certain people keep calling or showing up, even when I've told them I am too busy to deal with their problems right now, but maybe in a week or two. My stress level today is quite high.

I finished work at about 1:00 a.m. and went and watched some TV, but nothing was really on so I tried to sleep. I couldn't much. I kept thinking all night about what I could have done different for her, and getting furious with the people that either could have helped her in some way, or that were supposed to help, and failed her. Specifically these Hospice volunteers that were supposed to be watching her while I slept. Then the goof goes and leaves without waking me up, so Diane died while I was within 5 feet of her, sleeping. I wanted to be there with her at the end, and they knew it, but left anyway.

Note to everyone: If some hospice group promises to sit with your loved ones, DON'T BUY IT! You get one insensitive JERK in the mix and you lose out. You lose the chance to be there, you lose the chance to keep one last promise, and said JERK goes home and lives to screw someone else's life up. It's not just the one guy either, it's the whole hospice group. This is something that 'has come up before, but no one's ever died during a mixup'. Isn't that nice. What part of that do THEY think I CARE ABOUT??? If it's happened before when no one's died, wouldn't a halfway intelligent person think maybe this is something that should have been fixed long ago????????

This is from THEIR website at: Delta Hospice Society (in case you feel like telling them off)

"Vigil Service
Vigil service involves a team of volunteers who make themselves available to sit at a bedside of someone who is within the last 72 hours of life. Up to 24-hour (continuous if requested) vigil service may be requested if resources are available. This support is to augment that of the family SO THAT NO ONE NEEDS TO DIE ALONE."

Excuse the language, but…. BULLSHIT!

I love you Diane, and I'm sorry I missed your last minutes.

April 10, 2005: Sunday today, didn't do much at all except work. I've been feeling a tremendous sense of loss today, this may be one of the worst days yet as I'm now 'with it' enough to relive the last two days of Diane's life, and I've had long enough to absorb what happened then. I am very alone, and although people are trying, they aren't really helping. I want Diane back here, it's that simple.

I'll go on I'm sure, but what kind of life am I going to have without her? This wasn't the plan we had. This reminds me of another song, Alan Parsons Project's 'Games People Play'. That's more or less how I feel about now.

So yeah, like the songs says, "Where do we go from here?"

April 11, 2005: It's Monday. I've been working my butt off all day, haven't had any time to think even. That is probably a good thing. I stopped working at about 11:30 and was just exhausted as I've been going since about 8:30 this morning.

I read Diane's poem again, that was a mistake. Or maybe it wasn't a mistake. The pain kind of feels good in a way, reminding me that I'm alive and that I loved her so much while she was alive. I've occasionally doubted myself that maybe I didn't do enough, didn't love her enough, or anything possible in the self-blame area, but the hurt makes me realize that if I had have known what was coming, or even if something else had occurred to me, I would have done it for her. I truly hope she knows that.

I keep watching TV, reading the papers, etc, and it has all of a sudden (over the last week or so) struck me how much death and destruction there is in the world. That sounds cliché, but stop for a minute and think about it. How many murders and crimes do you see on the news? How desensitized are you? I know I was, just because the death of Diane has made me very aware of these things.

We have so little time here, and many of us seem to do nothing but try and figure out ways to hurt others. I know when I was in the union and political scenes, the infighting and outfighting was unbelievable. It's the same with just about any job out there. Management hated the union, union hated the management, political parties hated each other, and they all hated people within their own ranks. Just about everyone plotted ways around the system or to strike out at others while protecting themselves from being struck at. Then you have family fights, divorce, kids being treated like pawns, etc.

A relative told Diane last year he wished she was dead. I wonder, has he thought about that since? It's amazing how when your wishes come true you find out that's not what you wanted at all, isn't it? The next time you tell someone to drop dead or go to hell, think about what you're saying. Do you really want that? How much guilt are you going to feel if the person does die? You can say it's an expression all you want, but when it comes right down to it, fundamentally we all care about one another whether you want to admit it or not. We've become desensitized, sure, but that only reaches so far. Every person I've spoken to who has said something about someone who has later died, has admitted the same thing, and that's that they have a slight twinge of doubt as to whether what they said made the difference between life and death. Illogical, yes, but logic doesn't always work, which is another thing I learned from Diane.

Today's been quite the day. I've caught myself several times going to tell her something, or talk to her. I'm so used to knowing she's in bed there that I often don't realize that she's not there. How long does this go on for? I have to wonder.

Love ya Die, see ya later.