March 18 - 20, 2005 (Continued): Throughout the afternoon it looked like Diane was stabilizing. The Delta Hospice Society and hospital staff was working with me to get her home, the doc had revised his estimate to days, even possibly weeks, and were talking to me about training on how to do meds and Oxygen when we got her home.
Delta Hospice coordinators were arranging for volunteers to come in over night to sit with her, and the hospital was going to move her into a ward room until we could get her home.
When they transferred her from Emerg, we went to the ward and Diane was to be admitted to room 216, bed 3. That's a 4 bed ward room. When I followed them, they got to the nurse's station and the floor nurses decided right off to put her in 215, bed 2. That is a semi-private that was empty at the time. The floor nurses (a decent bunch) told me they'd put a stretcher in beside her so I could stay with Diane that night.
Later in the afternoon the Hospice people told me that the sitters were arranged, and Diane would have full coverage all night, likely until 9:00 a.m. My family members volunteered to sit with her, but I assured them it was covered, and volunteers and I would be there all night. I checked this with the nurse, and she figured that's what it sounded like, and when the first volunteer came in I asked about it as well. He told me he was there from 9:00 p.m. to Midnight, then another would be in from Midnight to 3:00 a.m., and so on. I told him I was going to get something to eat as I hadn't really eaten anything. And I had taken the kids home shortly beforehand while my parents stayed with Die. My parents stayed with the volunteer, and before I left I told him I would be back, that I was staying the night and that if there was ANY problem at all that I was to be woken up.
I got back at 10:30 p.m. and again told the volunteer I was going to lay down and that I was to be woken up if there was any problem. I don't remember if I said goodnight to Die or not. I have been beating myself up because I don't think I did, but I really can't remember. I was exhausted and don't remember falling asleep.
The Hospice volunteer brought a little notebook in with him, and the notes in it are as follows:
"Fri. 18 Mar 2005 9:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m.
Was pleased to meed Diane's husband Brian and his parents who spent most of the evening with Diane. Diane has considerable discomfort breathing and spent the entire evening sitting on the edge of her bed leaning over an array of pillows arranged on top of the tray table. Shortly before 12:00 a.m. Diane was moved onto her bed and was given another side tray. She has managed to drop off to sleep occasionally despite the discomfort of her oxygen mask as she lay with her face partially into the pillow. Brian has had a cot brought into the room and is trying to get some rest - is exhausted.
Joe - Delta Hospice.
Dec. 19, Saturday from 12 to 3 a.m.
Diane has continued to work hard at breathing. Has made no effort to get up.
Her eyes are shut mainly as she continues.
Meanwhile Brian has been lying in the cot and appears to be sleeping.
The nurse has been coming in 2 or 3 times to administer a needle of medication.
Diane continues to make a moaning sound as she struggles.
Fred - Delta Hospice"e;
And that's it. No volunteer showed up at 3:00, and the one that left never bothered to wake me up to let me know there was no one else there. I have lost a great deal of respect for Delta Hospice because of this, as well as being furious at them. To anyone reading this: If you feel the need to volunteer for something, especially something so important, you DON'T EVER drop the ball. This sort of thing CAN NOT BE FIXED!!!!
The next thing I know, I open my eyes. I see two nurses in the room and no volunteer. The one nurse is turning off the oxygen, the bed is flat down, and she says, "You might want to get up." I just nodded. It was 4:15 a.m. and I got out of bed and looked at my beautiful wife laying there.
They had just disconnected her, and the nurses told me they had been by at 3:45 to give her meds and she was the same as before. At 4:00 when they went by again, she had been going on as she had been. When the nurse had walked by just now she didn't hear any breathing so she came in, found Diane dead, and called for another nurse. I asked, "How long?"e; and the nurse replied it must have just happened.
They left me alone with her. I held my love in my arms, and while her hands were cold (they had been all day) her face and body were still warm. Her eyes were clear and so I knew she had just left me moments before. The nurses had had time to lay her down flat and remove the oxygen apparatus.
I felt the warmth of the back of her neck on my forearm as I hugged her and kissed her, and I watched the sweat absorb back into her skin.
I closed her eyes and tried to close her mouth, but couldn't.
She was awake at the moment of death, and I pray that she saw me there. By what I heard about how she was sitting, I am almost sure she could see me there. I hope so. I wanted to be there for her at that moment, as I had promised Diane she would not die alone. I pray that she knew I was there.
I wandered in and out of the room for a while, I was completely stunned. No matter how much you think you're prepared, I'd been told, you never are. I hadn't believed this, thinking for years now I was prepared for this, but I wasn't.
I asked the nurse where the Hospice people were, and she said they left at 3:00. I told her they were supposed to be there all night, and that they should have woken me up if they weren't going to be. She was very apologetic and said she was sorry, but she didn't know that, and if she had have, she would have woken me up herself when they left.
I went back to the room and removed Diane's jewelry, putting as much of it on myself as I could, but one ring and one necklace wouldn't fit me. I didn't know what to do with her remaining clothes, basically her socks and shoes, so I had to ask the nurse. I was so stunned I couldn't even think to figure that out myself. She told me that yes, I should take any clothes and jewelry. I went back to the room and took off Diane's socks, went to the supply room and got a patient bag, and put everything in it.
I wandered in and out of the room several more times, held her hands, kissed her, hugged her and said my goodbyes. Then I left. As I passed the nurse's station on the way out, I said to the nurse that I was leaving, and they could go do whatever they had to do, move her or whatever. The nurse said she would be going to the morgue now, and I just nodded and said, "I know." I thanked her for the care, and walked out.
Delta Hospital you have to go through probably between 1/8 and 1/4 miles of corridor, past Emerg to get out after hours. I walked the halls in a daze. I don't remember anything from then until being in the outdoor parking lot. I unlocked my car and put Diane's belongings in the back seat. It was pouring rain and cold. The tears came.
I remember looking around and being confused. It was somewhere around 5:00 a.m. and there was nobody around. I started crying and said out loud, "What do I do now?" Of course there was no answer, so I said it louder. I spent probably the next 10 minutes yelling, "What do I do now? Where is everyone? Where is Diane? I have no one to talk to!!" The last, I repeated screaming, over and over until my voice faded from being hoarse.
I turned on my cell phone, and phoned home. My mother answered after my second try, and she said, "What's wrong?" I said, "She's gone." Mom said, "What do you mean she's gone?" I said, "She's gone. Dead." I don't remember the rest of that conversation except that it was short and I'm sure I said I was coming home.
I blacked out.
When I came to, I was in my car, somewhere in this town, and I don't think I was driving. I could have hit someone and wouldn't have know it, but luckily the time of day I didn't, although I did check my car later just to be sure. As I passed a hardware store, I dialed my phone. The only number I could think of was one of the last that I had seen on my phone, and it was now 5:30 and I dialed. My friend Kirk answered (I didn't even know it was his number) and I told him Diane was gone. He and I said a few things, I don't remember what, but then he asked me where I was. I said I didn't know. He said, "Are you driving?" And I said, "Yeah." I looked down and my speedometer was reading about 20kph and I watched in complacent realization as I rolled right through a four way stop intersection. Kirk told me I had to get out of the car and go home. I said "Yeah" and shortly thereafter hung up. I now at least had a focus, to get home, and I made it there without incident although I'm sure I ran a red light and at least two more stop signs.
I got home and I don't remember anything for some time after that. I think I phoned a few people, and then the house started filling up with people. I hid in my office, I just didn't want to talk to anyone.
Diane's ex-husband and his mother showed up, they are staying the night, and that really adds to the stress. Not necessarily because they're the 'ex's', but because I can't be alone with the kids when they're here. I just want some time, that's all. Is that too much to ask?
I was really stunned all this day and the next. There were phone calls, visits from the funeral director, all sorts of things going on that I was really confused about, and some things that made me angry. If you who are reading this ever goes through losing a spouse, don't EVER let anyone talk to you or your family about things that should be left alone until much, much later. When it's your time to decide on burial or cremation, you as spouse have every right to make that decision yourself. Do not EVER let anyone try and influence you, or say that your children or any other family members or ex-family members should make or help make that decision. It is YOURS, and yours alone. I realize now that I shouldn't have even discussed it with anyone, I should have done what was in my heart without question, following what discussions Diane and I had previously about what to do when the time came. I eventually did what Diane and I had wanted, which was cremation, but I know now that had the feelings of others been different, I may have been swayed. Death disposition, burial or cremation, is a very personal thing and the last truly meaningful thing you can do for your spouse. Had I been swayed by others, or felt like it was anyone else that wanted cremation and not Diane and I, I know now that I would have been feeling guilt for the rest of my life.
Most of Sunday, March 20, 2005 was a blur. I woke up and couldn't handle facing the ex-in-laws, my parents, or anyone. All I really wanted to do was spend time with the kids. When I got up (around 9:00) I was still in a daze and seeing all these people around, I wanted out.
So I told everyone I was going for a walk. I left the house and started wandering. It was raining, and I had an umbrella in one hand and a coffee in the other. I just wandered aimlessly. I do a fair bit of volunteer work for various churches and other organizations, so maybe that's why I ended up at the Catholic Church. I got there just as the service was ending, and I went up and looked inside. I couldn't bring myself to go in, so I just kinda stood there for a bit, and a few people I knew came out and gave me their condolences. I'm still not sure what I was doing there, but anyway, I started walking again. After a while I ended up going by the Anglican Church, and I saw my grandmother's car there, so I went inside. I stood at the back and after a few minutes burst into tears as my beloved wife was mentioned in the service. My grandmother asked me if I wanted to stay for a coffee, and I agreed, after which she drove me home.
By the end of Sunday, March 20, 2005 all the arrangements were in motion and I figured that I had come to a time where I could have a little bit of space.
I was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. ....Click to Page 3