February 6, 2010: Wow. Another 41 days and we’ll be at the fifth anniversary of Diane’s death. I miss her immensely. It seems at times that it was yesterday, and I feel the emotions well up with the same ferocity as that time. At other times it seems like it was a lifetime ago.
I’ve always been a man of very few friends, and those that are truly my friends mean the world to me and they know it. Those people I would trade my life for. I met Kirk when he was basically a baby, I’ve got about 3.5 years on him. So, he was my first and longest ‘best friend’. I sometimes went for months without talking to him (life got in the way, you know?), but he was still right there at number 1. He was about tied with Pierre, who I’ve known since grade 6. Pierre and I talk about every month or two, and see each other maybe every 6 months. He’s busy in Vancouver, I’m busy with my life here. It happens.
My favourite uncle died in about 2004. Diane died in 2005. Kirk was murdered in his truck in Richmond in 2007. Shot by some criminals who thought he was someone else. Kirk had a nine month old baby girl. What more can I say there? My grandfather died in 2006, my grandmother in 2008. It’s like this: Between 2004 and 2008, 19 of my closest friends died. Since then, there have been another four or five people in that category that have died. Out of all those, maybe 3 were normal, old age deaths. The rest were cancers, suicides, murders, accidents, etc. Myself, I have had incidents and been tested for everything from heart trouble to ‘Dumb-Guy-Accident-Syndrome’. I believe I have been through Hell and back.
I started dating a woman in August 2005. Five months to the day that Diane died. Maybe you think this is too soon, or maybe you’re the one going through this and wondering if it’s too soon. You know what? There is no ‘too soon’. There is you, and how you feel. I would suggest if you’re going through this yourself, don’t get into anything heavy for at least a year. It’s ok to date someone to keep you company, to have coffee with, etc. but don’t go getting married right away. If you’ve watched someone go through a long term illness, you’ve done a lot of your grieving while they were alive. In some ways it’s wonderful, because you get to go through the process with the person you’re grieving for. In other ways, it’s Hell, because every time you look at them it breaks your heart. Either way, the ‘don’t date for a year’ rule in this kind of scenario is total crap. Do what feels right for you. You will know soon enough if it is right. I learned that really quick.
When I met this woman, I needed her. She was a physician, and seemed to be the only one I could talk to that really got what I was going through. She was also the only one that didn’t let me get away with the ‘feel sorry for me’ crap that I didn’t even realize I was using. In short, we went too far too fast and she turned really nasty and that was that. OK, OK! What really happened was that I really needed her to get me through some tough spots, although I helped her with some stuff too, and in the end I simply wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and I had to step back. I will never forget the genuine kindness and concern she showed for me in that time period. I honestly don’t think I would be here today if it wasn’t for this beautiful woman.
Now a bit of a time warp to skip past some nasty stuff. I’ll cover the next 4 years in almost point form.
We broke up in early 2006 and I went kind of off the deep end. Later in the year I somehow ended up back with her, and things looked ok until I did some dumb things and we broke up again (twice actually). I sabotaged the situation. This woman had some issues as well, but who doesn’t? I mean, if she had a truckload of issues, I was carting around the entire container ship. In March of 2007 we ended up in an unfortunate phone call where she was yelling at me and I was yelling at her. All of a sudden I kind of ‘broke’ and I was exhausted, tearful and just wanting to die. My best friend (see above) had been murdered not two months earlier, and virtually of the people I could talk to about it were either unavailable or dead. Hearing Liz’s voice brought me to the realization that I could talk to her and she’d be able to understand my emotions. September first we moved in together, and January 12, 2008, one year and a day after Kirk was killed, and 2 years, 9 months and 24 days after Diane died, Liz and I got married.
We had a rocky start. Among the biggest reasons were that a) everyone that was or became my friend had literally a 95% chance of dying, b) though I loved Liz deeply I didn’t think I could ever get past the feeling that I was cheating on Diane, c) everyone that was or became my friend had literally a 95% chance of dying, d) I had to sell the house that had been my marital home with Diane for 11+ years, and e) everyone that was or became my friend had literally a 95% chance of dying.
In 2008 and 2009 we got llamas. Llamas are great people. They have a very calming effect and can help you through many tear-filled moments that you don’t want anyone else to know about. Got trouble in your life? Get a llama! Seriously.
And then came the big one. On July 22, 2009 we got a T. 6 lbs, 6 oz. of smiling beautiful little girl that somehow complements the boys in a weird way I will never understand. That changed my life, every bit as much as when my son was born. It’s amazing how different, yet how much alike these changes seem to be.
I’ve spent 2.5 years in Maple Ridge, this community I moved to for Liz, and I’ve avoided making friends, keeping my distance and my heart guarded because friends die. And wives die. It sucks but it’s true. Liz knows this is how I feel, and I’m sure it’s been a burden to her. I’m a good husband I think, but it must be hard to live with someone who is always scared to answer the phone because it might be someone telling them that someone else has died.
Liz had a surprise party for me last night. I was completely shocked and blown away by the whole affair. The love this woman has shown me has been an incredible experience, and I haven’t really ‘been there’ at times due to my own historical pain. When I looked around last night I had to stop and think, because here was about 40 or so people who called themselves my friend, and a lot of the cards and stuff had comments about what a good friend I am. I thought, “How did this happen?” I had to stop because I had this sudden realization that I have FRIENDS, that as smart as I thought I was being for avoiding these people that might die, I had somehow entered their hearts and minds, and I had to admit they were in mine as well. Yeah, there were a few people there that I am more of an ‘acquaintance’ of, but still, even for them to be there was amazing.
At some time in the past 3 years I have rejoined humanity without noticing. I’ve gained friends without trying, I’ve gained another couple of step-kids without thinking about it, I’ve gained a daughter without trying (oops), but that’s only the end result of what has really happened.
I’ve gained something else I really didn’t think was possible. I’ve gained the ability to heal, to open my heart to those around me without fear of more pain. I’ve gained the love of a woman that seems endless. I’ve done this all by the grace of God and time to heal. I haven’t lost an iota of love for Diane, but I looked at Liz last night and told her that she was an equal with Diane in my heart. People look for the ‘love of their life’, and I’ve found it… twice. I can’t ask for more. I have a great family and the love I share with my wife is unequalled.
There is no way to really express the way I feel today, I just can’t. It’s like the soldiers in New Mexico watching the first man-made star appear, right here on Earth… how can you describe that?
I’m alive. For the first time in almost 9 years, I’m LIVING!
Maybe you’re reading this because you’re going through the death of a spouse and you came across this site. If you are, I want you to know that your life isn’t over. It might feel like it is, but that’s ok. That’s how you feel now. Maybe, like I was, you don’t want that feeling to ever change. That’s ok too. But realize, your feelings about life being over will change, and you know it in your mind. Changed feelings are ok, and that is nowhere near as scary as you might think.
In time it gets a bit easier, but even years later the pain will appear randomly at times. If you’re like a lot of widowed people, you may not want to forget that pain, that feeling of a hug with that one person, the smell of hair, perfume, breath or his/her pillow. Don’t worry, you won’t. You may have trouble remembering on demand, but I have to tell you, after five years a slight whiff of even a perfume that Die used to wear brings warmth to my heart and a tear to my eye.
Maybe you’re thinking you’ll never marry again. Maybe you won’t, but maybe you will, and if you do, please realize that you can love a deceased spouse and a current, living spouse at the same time. I do. If you run into someone that says they love you but gets jealous of your dead wife/husband, you can’t get out of that relationship fast enough. They feel threatened and it will be impossible for you to reconcile the two while that situation exists. I’ve been there, trust me.
Don’t give in to guilt, depression or suicidal thoughts. Talk to your doctor or talk to your friends, even if you think they won’t care. It’s part of grieving and is very treatable, many times even without medications. Don’t make a shrine, but do keep a few valuable items of theirs tucked away, maybe a pillow case, a shirt, jewellery, whatever. If someone tells you that you should get rid of them, tell them you will do it on your own time.
If someone tells you that you should ‘be over it by now’, tell them that you will NEVER get over it, but that you WILL get USED to it. When you hear, ‘I know how you must feel’, say, “Oh, have you lost a spouse?” (In my books, losing anyone else, parents, friends, etc, doesn’t come close to losing a spouse, and I’ve been through most types of losses! I will say that thankfully I don’t know where losing a child would fit, but I assume it would be the most similar.) If someone says, ‘Is there anything I can do? Whatever you need, I’ll do.’ you say, “Yes, bring my wife/husband back.” Maybe these sound nasty, and not always appropriate to say to everyone, but there are some people out there that each of us knows, that say these things without thinking. It’s just an automatic response to a situation they don’t know how to deal with. So, make them THINK. They’ll get the point. Seriously, most of the people I’ve made these comments to have not even realized how inane they sound, and most have thanked me for making them think about their words. Many people will avoid you because they don’t know how to deal with you or what to say. Confront them. Tell them they don’t have to ask how you feel (you are probably sick of that question anyway), but they can say hello and talk about ‘normal’ things. It’s helpful for you and it makes them feel more comfortable around you.
I think that’s about all the advice and suggestions I can give right now. I’m not going to add to this site any more, it’s time to close this chapter and get on living and loving my new family structure.
Please, contact me via the email address below if you need to know someone is thinking of you. I may not be able to return all emails but I will at the very least be thinking about anyone that writes.
Remember, keep in touch with your doctor (or a clergyman if you’re a believer), and SURVIVE! Really LIVING will come later.
God Bless and Take Care.
Brian
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